So, Wednesday night Raleigh and I headed to the hospital to see our sweet baby girls. On the way, he played his new Hillsong c.d. and immediately I started to cry when the song "You Hold Me Now" started playing . Earlier that day, I had visited the girls with both of our moms and I got a little sad. They are still too little to hold and Raleigh's mom mentioned that she knew she was "Gabby" but she just wanted to hold her grand babies so bad. It was so hard to see them with all of those tubes inside of them. Usually, all I see are precious teeny tiny little girls but yesterday I kept seeing these images:
While this song was playing, all I could do was close my eyes and listen to the lyrics:
Friends, this is really hard to write. As I mentioned before, I am trying to look at the positive things and I know that this is a marathon and we are running baby steps right now but I really do want to hold my little girls. I want to hold them and kiss them and see them open their eyes. I wonder if they feel those tubes and if they are having a hard time through all of this. I would have a C-section without my pain medicine again if that could take any pain from them. I wonder, can they hear me? Do they know that it is me that gets to touch them? Do they feel all of this love that surrounds them?
I don't have the answers to these questions. But, as I boo-hooed in the car on the way to the hospital, I began to experience God's love holding me now, in that moment. And I realized that even though I can't hold Adeline and Maralee, HE IS. He is taking away their hurt or pain. They don't have suffering or know that they are sick. He HOLDS THEM NOW.
Shakily, I wiped away my tears, and my husband said, "Let's go see those baby girls." We went inside the NICU and got to spend a wonderful amount of time with the twins. Raleigh got to see Maralee's face for the first time that night and my heart filled with joy and love as he smiled down at her. He is such a great husband and dad. I love him so much.
On the way home, we continued to listen to the Hillsong c.d. but "You Hold Me Now" was still on my heart. As I mentally played those words in my head, I heard this voice say, "This song would be great to play at Maralee's funeral." At that moment, I didn't know what to think, wondering did I really think that????? All of a sudden I busted into tears and asked Raleigh if they were going to die. If Maralee was going to die. We immediately had to pull over because neither one of us could hold back the flood gates. As we held each other, we started to say the words of the song:
All of a sudden, I realized the game that was being played. Satan wanted to throw some spiritual warfare inside my head to freak me out. He saw how well I was doing, how much I was coming to Jesus instead of him, and he got JEALOUS. He wanted me to feel hurt and pain. He wanted me to be in darkness. He wanted my deepest fear to come true. Raleigh, totally out of his normal character, was so angry- he looked as if he wanted to fight. As we sat there, absorbing what was going on, we both realized how sick Satan really is. How manipulative and deceiving. He used a song that brought me comfort hours ago and turned it against me. He is playing hardball and doesn't care if feelings and emotions get hurt. In fact, he dwells in it, yearns for it, it is his deepest desire to turn God's children away from their father.
Sitting at the stop sign just a block from our house, we began to pray. We prayed for God to take away our fears. We prayed for strength and endurance. We prayed for Him to continue to hold us. We listened to the song and we heard:
Listening to these words, our hearts filled with God's love and we realized this important fact: WE ARE ON JESUS' TEAM. HE HAS ALREADY DEFEATED SATAN. "Shout unto God" is another awesome song by Hillsong that fits this perfectly:
Praise Jesus that HE has already kicked Satan's butt for us. Friends, I pleading with you....if you don't have Christ in your life, get on his team. Life really, really stinks and hurts at times but having Him take the pain helps us to keep going. I can't imagine being on the dark side while going through this battle. Friends, I am praying that God just puts up an electric fence around my head and heart. The minute satan starts to sneak into my thoughts I want him to be zapped on the highest voltage.
That will make any dog tuck his tail and run :)
Till next time, let your light shine!