Coffee Break is a way for us to virtually enter your living room, pour you a cup of coffee and let you exhale. We want to be tools to reach broken families, guilt ridden hearts and struggling housewives. So pull up a chair, pour yourself a cup or something warm, sneak your iPad into the bathroom and do whatever you have to do to join us on Pinterest for words of encouragement just for a Mom’s Heart from a Mom’s Heart. #coffeebreak Clair@MummyDeals @Christen Price, @Monica Steely, @ohAmanda, @Brooke McGlothlin, @Lisa-Jo Baker
Her eyes were as dark as the depths of the ocean yet I knew she was looking at me. I tilted my head to look at my tiny first-born face to face for the very first time. Finally, after 31 days of being separated from her mother's arms, she was wrapped up in a little cocoon and I never wanted to let her go. She was a miracle and I was blessed.
Being the oldest in birth order myself, I instantly connected with the child whose name I chose: Adeline. Holding her feather-light frame made all the darkness of our circumstance turn to light. With her in my arms, the world stood still. I would croon the melody of "Sweet Caroline" replacing "Caroline" with "Adeline" and watch a tiny smile form on her face. She would bury her head against my chest and we would travel out of her world filled with beeping sounds and flashing machines and settle in a place of peace and comfort.
Today, nearly three years later, this child still wants her momma. Just before the lights are turned out, she wraps her precious hand in mine. Her head is still against my chest as we listen to Daddy tell stories about the Light of the world. As we say our prayers, her grasp tightens and she begs for me to stay longer. Some nights I stay and I sing her to sleep. Yet other nights I let her go and can't help but wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
My first born has challenged me more as a mother than I ever thought possible.
She has shed light on so many of my false ideals of what motherhood is supposed to be like yet she has also captivated me so much that I wonder what life was like before her. How God could give me a child with so many characteristics similar to mine but also revealing her own complexities and unique traits is remarkable. She has an artist's soul full of emotion that colors the pages of our days.
Even though she clings to me; she is fiercely independent. We play this game of tug of war, one minute she wants me the next minute she stubbornly tells me no. Raising this child is exhilarating, exhausting, and enchanting. Every day, she is still a gift and every day I have to choose to see the blessing.
This toddler-girl is teaching her mother self-control. How I need to model self-control so she will mimic peace instead of frustration. Daily, we battle being kind and loving with our actions instead of reckless behavior without thought. After the inevitable time-out that comes each day, she hugs me and looks at me with her big blue eyes and tells me that Jesus is in her heart. I tell her that he is indeed.
Because, I know that Light is in her heart. I see it radiating out of her as she bear-hugs her sister. She might be fiercely stubborn as a child but this trait will be a light for her path whenever she has doubts later in life because she will fiercely cling to this truth of knowing Jesus.
Every day, she continually impresses me. As her third birthday draws closer, I see promise for the days ahead. I know there will still be plenty of dark moments but I also know that there will be more moments filled with light. Raising my first child isn't about doing no wrong and making no mistakes. No, child-raising is full of wrong choices and mistakes made. But, together we learn how to show that Jesus is in our hearts.
I'll hold her as long as she wants me to. This infant turned toddler who is growing into a little girl...she is mine to love. Her big blue eyes still have so much of life to see. I want her to experience all the adventure that this life holds, but my mother's prayer is that even when life takes unexpected twists, she will always know that Jesus loves her.
And, I do too.
(Her sister, identical in looks, also has me charmed, but her story is best to be told on another day.)
Till next time, let your light shine!