It was late. We'd been at it for days now; talking, crying, revealing our souls. Our conversations had been hurtful and healing at the same time. He was unlocking the chains of burden while I was opening the door to admitting my inner-struggle. How, after almost 12 years, did we have these questions yet no answers? When did marriage get so hard; why was it so hard? Why did our love not feel like enough?
He told me to look at him. My eyes were puffy, red from crying. The digital clock behind him said 12:05 a.m. on this weekday morning. But, even through the bleariness, our eyes met. His eyes said that he wasn't giving up. Mine ached to agree. Because, our love was enough.
The other night, I gathered around a table with some girls for supper club. As we ate, we shared stories of how we met our spouses. Some were wildly romantic, others perfectly timed. When it was my turn, my answer was simple: "We met in high school. I knew he was worth holding on to. I married my best friend."
We've had our "write-your-name-in-the-sky" moments and our "this-is-just-between-us" secrets. We've laughed together, harder than ever before. We've tried new foods, like sweet potato fries and turkey burgers, on our patio with the spring sky turning to dusk. We've dreamed, we've failed, we've picked the other back up. We've never walked away, we've always stayed.
That's what I love about us. We are committed, honestly-devoted to each other. That's why it hurts so much when that commitment doesn't feel like enough. It's confusing when the addition is correct but something still isn't adding up. Why was life hard and why was it throwing rocks at our marriage?
That night, as we tried answering the questions with no answers, we agreed on this: love never fails but life does disappoint. Things won't always turn out how you expected them to, your days won't always be happy. There are things outside of your love for each other that causes your soul to be downcast and weary. Patience can be lost, words are the gasoline that lights the fire. More is more replaces the less is more motto when it comes to materialism. When things are out of our control, anxiety throws blame back and forth.
We've had to learn to bend without breaking. Neither of us wanted to break our bond of marriage but we had to open ourselves up to realize that neither of us could completely complete the other. We could clean up the others scrapes, adhere the band-aid, but only Jesus can heal our wounds. Jesus completes me. Jesus completes my husband. Jesus completes our marriage.
Knowing that Jesus is the only one who has power to overcome disappointments, allows us to give the other one a break. My husband will disappoint me, I him. We have limitations that the other can't always compensate for. We can't always fix each other. That doesn't mean we are failures, that means we are human. But, Jesus, the Son of Man, is more than human and promises life far greater with him after death. This life that we've created here on earth can only complete us so much; this world is fallen, we are fallen. But, Jesus picks us back up.
We didn't solve all our problems that night but we agreed that our love was going to keep going, growing, getting stronger. Twelve years ago we might have met in high school, young and crazy determined. Now, twelve years in, we aren't giving up, because we know we're worth it.
Till next time, let your light shine!