I didn't even know I was stressed but it is coming out more and more these days. My face looks like a teenagers, I haven't gotten enough sleep, and I have this pit in my stomach that just won't go away. I cried the other night, making my stress even more evident to myself and Raleigh. What is becoming quite clear to me is this: I want too many things and I can't do it all.
This is ridiculously hard for me to admit because I'm ambitious and determined. Yet, I've been spreading myself too thin these days and I've been doing a lot of reflecting on what I truly want out of life. While I would love to live a comfortable lifestyle and achieve certain goals, what I want most out of life is to love my family and be a disciple of Christ to those that he has put in my path.
I know God gave me certain gifts and I'm believing that he has great things planned for my life. I've been circling these things in prayer recently asking for direction on what to do next. I've got a notebook full of ideas on how I can be a disciple of Christ to the best of my ability, while also providing for my family. But the problem that I'm facing is I'm trying to do all of these things right now because I'm afraid that I'm going to miss out. I've been like Martha, busy doing too many things.
Doing too many things has caused me not to do many things well. I've been stretched thin and I've often said the same thing to Jesus as Martha, "Lord, I need help!"
I do need help. My dream is to have partners in ministry to provide amazing things to readers such as you. Maybe that will happen one day but right now, the help I need most is to sit and listen to Jesus, like Mary. I need to obey him and sit at his feet to receive his peace - this amazing blessing on my life, the reason behind my quest to perform. My heart is in the right place, but not my posture.
I have this one thing that I've been dreaming of for five years. I think I get so worked up because I've had a hard time finding the time to do it and also the right state of mind. I've struggled with this one thing, I've fought it, cursed it, and doubted it. I've asked God to take this desire away if it wasn't from him. But it has stayed, so that is what I'm going to be focusing on for now.
Starting today, I will be praying over this one thing for the next 21 days. Specifically, I will be praying for the Holy Spirit to move in me and to release this desire into a form that can be shared with others. I'm asking God to give me joy and strength and to reveal exactly what he wants me to say. I want this one thing to be holy ordained, holy breathed, and I want to be waiting at Jesus' feet in holy anticipation for how he will use this one thing to glorify his name.
I know that's a lot to take in, but I'd like to ask you to pray for me. And, I'd like to invite you to participate in your own 21 day prayer challenge. A great resource for taking a prayer challenge is Mark Batterson's The Circle Maker. I'm hosting a prayer gathering on how to pray circles around your family, jobs, and dreams on October 19th at 6 pm at Covenant United Methodist Church. I believe that God is bigger than big and he can do immeasurably more than we can ever imagine.
Saying all of this, I'm not sure how my blogging schedule will look over the next few months. I'll still be around, and I have a few guest posts that are already scheduled. But, other than those, I'll pop in when it is necessary and as the LORD reveals any messages he's like for me to share. I love this space and I want to busy myself preparing it for you, but what is most needed right now is for me to be like Mary, sitting at Jesus' feet.
I pray you will come sit beside me.
Till next time, let your light shine!